How things are going…honestly.

Since I’ve used this platform of as a way to share life, I thought it only appropriate to share today what’s been on my heart. So here’s how things are going with two babies under two!

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We welcomed Bodhi Wilde into our family four weeks ago and so much has changed. Even as I typed that sentence, I feel as if I’m stringing together a common utterance that all families go through…change, but this change is vastly different than what I had expected.

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Rewinding back to June 2017, five weeks after Abram was born, I drafted a post that I never published on how I was adapting to life as a new mom. It was raw and honest, detailing much disappointment, pain, and feelings of failure. I was thrown a major curve ball and was just trying to stay afloat and care for this helpless little life… while remaining “put-together” from the outside. I didn’t love motherhood and felt as if we may have made the decision to have children too soon. And this was coming from someone who had miscarried and desperately tried to have a baby for a year and a half. I hated the way I was feeling and felt incredibly guilty.

I still may share this post someday because so much of what we see isn’t authentic. I find authenticity, when it’s finally found, to be a treasure, something worth holding onto in this dark, changing world. I’m so thankful I wrote what I did back in June 2017 because it is part of my story and contributes to my life today. I’ve also had many conversations with new moms who have either had a similar experience or have enjoyed a blissful transition into parenthood. Although we’d always like to have the easier road, God has taught me so much through the trial of adaption.

Jumping into the present, Bodhi is five weeks old and I can honestly say I love every  ounce of this precious, God-given gift. Although I had heard that every pregnancy and delivery is different, I was skeptic. This was different. The minute he was born, I held him so tightly and felt as if this was MY child that God had entrusted to me…and I was thrilled. My delivery for both boys was incredibly difficult and entailed a great deal of recovery. Thankfully, modern medicine and knowledge has given me the gift of having children and being around to raise them. I recently listed to a sermon pointing out how we are most powerful at our weakest (2 Corinthians 12: 9-10). Calling out to Him to give me strength during delivery, and having my husband holding my hand reminding me that God was going to deliver me through this, was one of my most powerful moments.

I often think how undeserving I am to have two thriving, healthy, beautiful boys to hug and kiss everyday. Every single day. But then again, we are all so undeserving of so much and are all just getting by riding on the wings of God’s sweet grace.

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If I heard these words as a new mom, I would have been so skeptic. While pregnant with Bodhi, I feared the same postpartum feelings. To God be the glory for this overwhelming love. A love that grows from toys scattered wall to wall of my living room, mastitis after two weeks of breastfeeding, 1 am feedings, arguments with my husband rooted from exhaustion, and reheated coffee (for the third time). I’ve fallen in love with my life in a whole new way, not knowing that Bodhi’s arrival would expand my love for my first born and my husband. I see Abram tenderly kissing Bodhi and saying “Hi Bo!” every time he passes by him in the living room and I just melt. I see my husband buried under toys, books and our two babies. I see dirty diapers and dust on the floor and five loads of laundry needing to be done, but it’s beautiful because I know there will always be time for that. Currently, we have these babies to love on. Honestly, it’s been a beautiful adaptation. If tomorrow I’m troubled by fear, a bout of depression, or another infection, I’ll reread these words to know that there is much to be grateful for and that this joy existed and can again.

 

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